GLOBAL CAPITALISM - A RERUN

A TALE OF TWO COWS

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow images called Cowkimon and market them world-wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn that you have five cows. You count them again and learn that you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn that you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A HINDU CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

A WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The Annual Report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

You sell one cow to buy a new President of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No Balance Sheet provided with the release.

The public buys your bull.

- Submitted by CPG, Darmstadt, Germany

LOVE THOSE LAWYERS May 30, 2008

Honesty - A Lawyer's Definition

An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."

Love Those Lawyers

"Preachers purge the conscience, doctors the body, lawyers the purse." - German Proverb

Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: A tick falls off of you when you die.

" I was never ruined but twice: once when I lost a lawsuit, and once when I won one." - Voltaire (1694 - 1778)

"When everybody acquires an education, how are you going to pick a jury?" - Common Wisdom

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: "Your honor."

The Golfer's Compromise

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.

I'm an attorney, the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000."

I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'."

I'll take it, the attorney said.

A Doctor's Decision

Three doctors were standing around and started talking about which patients were the easiest to operate on. The first doctor says Germans, because everything inside is neat and orderly and always in its place.

The second doctor said Japanese patients, because you open them up and all there is is a circuit board to interchange.

No! No! You're both wrong, said the third doctor, Lawyers are the easiest to operate on. They're gutless. The only organs they have are lips and assholes -- and those are interchangeable!

STRICT LAW ENFORCEMENT

"I don't care what anyone says, you can not accuse George W. Bush of any sex scandals - unless, of course, you count the time he inappropriately touched the Queen of England." - 2q(Jim)

IT'S IMPORTANT AT OUR AGE

Working people frequently ask retired folks what they do to make their days interesting. I went to the store the other day. I was in there for only about five minutes. When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a name. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a worse name. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner and this one had a "Kerry-Edwards" bumper sticker on it.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

It's important at our age.

LAWS OF OUR LAND

California - Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

Michigan - A woman isn’t allowed to cut her own hair without her husband’s permission.

Wyoming - It is illegal for women to stand within five feet of a bar while drinking.

South Carolina - It is perfectly legal to beat your wife on the court house steps on Sundays.
(Is this where the phrase "Never on Sunday" came from? 2q(Jim))

SPEND-TO-GET LAW ENFORCEMENT

BRIGHTON, Mich. (AP) — A Michigan doctor is getting a laugh out of a 51-cent property tax bill. It isn’t just that Phil Kazanji’s bill is so low. It’s that it cost the city of Brighton $5.21 to send it to him by certified mail. Kazanji says he first thought the amount was a mistake. Now he calls the whole thing “the most ridiculous thing a government agency would do.”

City finance director Dave Gajda says Kazanji paid $158 on a bill for $158.48. The city penalized him 3 cents and sent him the new tab. Gajda says Brighton doesn’t have the authority to waive a portion of taxes.

Kazanji says he’ll write out a check for 51 cents and drop it off.

AP via The World, Coos Bay, Oregon, Sunday, May 18, 2008

Personally, I'm glad to see that Mr. Kazanji used the word "would" instead of "could". I doubt that Michigan residents want to see a "most ridiculous thing a government Could do" competition heat-up among state employees. - 2q(Jim)

GRASS ROOTS PHILOSOPHY

"Laziness travels so slowly that poverty soon overtakes him." - Benjamin Franklin

"Committee-a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours." - Milton Berle

"The funny bone is universal." - Bernard Malamud

"When a rogue kisses you, count your teeth." - Hebrew Proverb

"Virtue must shape itself in deed." - Alfred, Lord Tennyson

FEDS PROMOTE ABUSE

Kidnapping: The unlawful removal of a human being by force and against his or her will.

"We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are." - Anais Nin

PROTECT? PROTECT FROM WHAT?

"SAN ANGELO, Texas (CNN) -- The state of Texas should not have removed the more than 460 children it took from a polygamist sect's ranch, an appeals court ruled Thursday.

The state's Department of Family and Protective Services "did not present any evidence of danger to the physical health or safety of any male children or any female children who had not reached puberty," the judges ruled. "
CNN.COM, http://www.cnn.com/2008/CRIME/05/22/flds.ruling/

27-YEAR-OLD MINOR NOT MINOR

"SAN ANGELO, Texas) — Child welfare officials have said… that at least eight mothers once held in state custody as minors were actually adults. One is 27.

The disclosures… brings the number of underage mothers in state custody to 23, eroding statistics state officials have cited to bolster their claims of widespread abuse. Other reclassifications are likely to follow...

The FLDS children were removed en masse from the ranch during an April 3 raid that began after someone called a domestic abuse hot line claiming to be a pregnant abused teenage wife. Authorities are investigating whether the calls were a hoax.

The judges have not allowed much discussion of the validity of the decision to take the children…"
http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1808325,00.html

ABUSIVE JUDGE JUDGED ABUSE

"Delivering a rebuke to Texas child-welfare officials, an Austin appeals court ruled Thursday that state workers improperly removed children from a West Texas polygamist sect's ranch…

The Texas Department of Family and Protective Services, which includes Child Protective Services, failed to prove that children at the Yearning For Zion Ranch were in imminent danger and needed to be separated from parents for their protection, the 3rd Court of Appeals ruled.

The appellate court also ruled that District Judge Barbara Walther abused her discretion by failing to return the children during mid-April child-custody hearings. "Evidence that children raised in this particular environment may someday have their physical health and safety threatened is not evidence that the danger is imminent enough to warrant invoking the extreme measure of immediate removal," the appeals court said in its ruling"

Chuck Lindell, Austin American-Statesman, Friday, May 23, 2008
http://www.statesman.com/search/content/news/stories/local/05/23/0523raid.html

Mission Statement-Texas Department of Family and Protective Services

"...the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services (DFPS) is charged with ensuring the safety and well-being of the children, elderly and disabled in the state of Texas…“Our mission is protecting the unprotected,” said Shirley Scott, IT operations manager for DFPS…

http://www.citrix.com/English/aboutCitrix/caseStudies/caseStudy.asp?storyID=165626

OH, GIVE ME A BED, A BLANKET, A PILLOW...

"Travis County judges are ordering a stop to what has become an increasingly common practice in Texas: foster children sleeping in state offices when there is nowhere else for them to go.

The agency has been overwhelmed by a rapidly growing number of foster children, and at a time when the number of foster homes available has not kept pace.

The judges wrote that "such placement is not in the best interest of children (and) is not appropriate for meeting the child's needs."

Since January, when the state began keeping track, 474 children, including six from Travis County, have stayed at a state office, department officials said. That came at a cost of more than $300,000 — about $345 per child per night — which mostly went to pay overtime to state workers watching the children around the clock, officials said.

About 20,000 children are in foster care in Texas, an increase of about 45 percent since 2001"

By Corrie MacLaggan, AMERICAN-STATESMAN,Saturday, June 23, 2007

I am searching for the logic in this situation.

Does anyone honestly believe that 460 children are better protected by the State of Texas than they are by their own loving parents?

Does anyone honestly believe that 460 children were "at risk" on April 3, 2008?

Does anyone honestly believe that 460 children should have been kidnapped by Child Protective Services on the basis of an anonymous phonecall?

Does anyone honestly believe that the number of children in foster care in Texas increased 45 percent because the number of abusive parents increased that much?

Does Common Sense not hint that maybe, just possibly, a 45% increase from 2001 to June, 2007 might indicate an overly enthusiastic enforcement problem?

Does Common Sense not hint that maybe, just possibly, with $345 per child per night at stake (i.e $158,700 per night), there may be at least one other motive for separating children from parents?

Does Common Sense not hint that maybe, just possibly, someone was jumping to conclusions?

Who protects unprotected citizens and taxpayers from abusive and overzealous bureaucrats?
- 2q(Jim)

FYI The Feds finance most of the Texas Child Protective Services budget.

"Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

SAMMY SEZZzzz...

Speaking of Congress
"…a collection of a hundred Great Brains makes one big fathead." - Carl Jung

UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT PIPE SPECIFICATIONS

1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.

2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.

3. The inside diameter of all pipe must not exceed the outside diameter - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

5. All pipe over 500 ft (153m) in length should have the words "long pipe" clearly painted on each end, so that the government engineer in charge will know it is a long pipe

6. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words "very long pipe" painted in the middle, so the government engineer in charge will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a very long pipe.

7. All pipe over 6" (152 mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe" painted on it, so that the government engineer in charge will not mistake it for small pipe.

8. All pipe must have Flanges. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.

9. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.

10. When ordering, be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.

11. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.

"Rules and models destroy genius and art." - William Hazlitt

LOVE THOSE LAWYERS May 24, 2008

ONLY 193 ?
A lawyer died and went to Heaven. There were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter, but, to his dismay, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

The lawyers rejected the counsel of God. - Luke 7:30

The better lawyer, the worse Christian. - Dutch Proverb

"Lawyers use the law as shoemakers use leather; rubbing it, pressing it, and stretching it with their teeth, all to the end of making it fit their purposes." - Common Wisdom

"All bad precedents began as justifiable measures." Julius Caesar

"Laws too gentle are seldom obeyed; too severe, seldom executed." - Benjamin Franklin, Poor Richard's Almanac

WAIT FOR THE SALE

A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for doctor brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAP?

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true."Im as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.

The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."

RIDING A DEAD HORSE

"The price of freedom of religion, or of speech, or of the press, is that we must put up with a good deal of rubbish." - Robert Jackson

According to the collective insight of some Indian Tribes, when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

According to the collective insight of education professionals and an expanded government bureaucracy, a whole NEW range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Re-classifying the dead horse as "living-impaired."
8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.
10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.
11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
15. As a last resort, sell it on Ebay.

"Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate; now what's going to happen to us with both a Senate and a House?" - Will Rogers

"I pay the schoolmaster, but 'tis the schoolboys that educate my son." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

REMEMBER THE MAIMED

"Like dogs in a wheel, birds in a cage, or squirrels in a chain, ambitious men still climb and climb, with great labour and incessant anxiety, but never reach the top." - Robert Browning

Bush Showing Leadership: Joins Operation Iraqi Freedom Reenactment Group
From http://www.mikeszine.com/

President Bush has asked all senior White House staff to join his Operation Iraqi Freedom Reenactment Group. The President feels that the country has not seen him in a leadership position since he landed on the aircraft carrier a few years ago. The reenactment SEAL Unit that Bush will lead consists of senior White House staff, few of which have had real military training. “I really hope that I can stay up with George,” said Vice President Dick Cheney. “There are few people that can show leadership the way the President does.”

“Saturday’s reenactment was staged in the rose garden,” said Bush Press Secretary Ari Flecher. “No one really wanted to be in one of the Iraqi units, so we decided to use some of those Hurricane Katrina evacuees. They’ll work for half a dozen MREs and a FEMA trailer. The Bush administration needs to show the American people that we can both demonstrate leadership and cut government waste.

The reenactment started at dawn as mortars and artillery were launched over the rose garden and the evacuees in their Iraqi military uniforms scattered for cover. A Chinook Helicopter sprayed the area with blanks as Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld and Wolfowitz repelled into the middle of the rose garden. Cheney and Rumsfeld sprayed suppressive fire as Bush and Wolfowitz took out an Iraqi machine gun nest and scud launcher.

After the reenactment, a reporter asked Bush how he felt about the event. “We kicked some ass today,” said President Bush still nursing a false wound that he received in hand-to-hand combat with another reenactor. “Did you see the way I took out that Iraqi battalion by myself? Tell me if John Kerry could have shown that kind of leadership. Well, could he?”

In order to keep the reenactment as authentic as possible real American Contractors were used to supply the troops. The Gatorade that Bush’s platoon drank after the battle was supplied by Halliburton’s subsidiary Kellogg, Brown & Root at forty-seven dollars a glass.
.........http://www.mikeszine.com/issue7_bushreenactment.html

"Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.” - W.C. Fields

"The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools."
- Herbert Spencer

"War costs more than money! - 2q(Jim)

LOVE THOSE LAWYERS May 19, 2008

SWORN TO TELL THE TRUTH
A prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you have'nt the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

Laws Made for Lawyers

Michigan: There is a 3 cent bounty for each starling and 10 cent bounty for each crow killed in any village, township, or city in the state.

Michigan Judicial Code
STARLINGS AND CROWS (EXCERPT)
Act 152 of 1941

433.301 Starlings and crows; bounty for killing; resolution of board of supervisors.
Sec. 1.
Every person being an inhabitant of this state, who shall kill a starling or a crow in any organized township, village or city in this state shall be entitled to receive a bounty of 3 cents for each starling thus killed, and 10 cents for each crow thus killed, to be allowed and paid in the manner hereinafter provided: Provided, That this law shall not be obligatory on any county unless the board of supervisors at the October session shall adopt a resolution to that effect, either as to starlings or as to crows or both, and then only to the amount appropriated for such purpose by said board, and shall not be effective in any city or village located in any such county in case the governing body thereof shall adopt a resolution to that effect.
History: 1941, Act 152, Eff. Jan. 10, 1942 ;--CL 1948, 433.301 .

433.302 Starlings and crows; delivery to local clerk; certificate.
Sec. 2.
Every person applying for such bounty shall take such starlings, in lots of not less than 50, and crows in lots of 10 or more, to the clerk of the township, village or city within which such starlings or crows shall have been killed, in a state of good preservation, and if satisfied with the correctness of such claim, shall issue a certificate stating the amount of bounty to which such applicant is entitled and deliver the same to such applicant, and shall destroy such starlings and crows by burning or other effective method.
History: 1941, Act 152, Eff. Jan. 10, 1942 ;--CL 1948, 433.302 .

LOVE THOSE LAWYERS

A lawyer and a wagon-wheel must be well greased. - German Proverb

No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth. - Jean Giradoux

One goes to court with one lawsuit and comes home with two. - Italian Proverb

It is better to have loved and lost as long as you have a good lawyer. - Common Wisdom

IMPOSSIBLE IS POSSIBLE - POSSIBLY?

"We live very close together. So, our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them." - Dalai Lama

Sounds like the Hippocratic Oath to me. - 2q(Jim)

Squatter has Rights

"Home for Harry Hallowes is a rickety shack surrounded by junk..
Yet the 70-year-old Irish tramp is the unlikeliest of property millionaires.
He has become the proud owner of a prime plot of land on the edge of Hampstead Heath in North London - by claiming squatter's rights.

Because he has lived there longer than the 12 years required by law, he has been declared the legal owner by the Land Registry. The plot near Highgate... has been Mr Hallowes's home since 1986. If it were sold... estate agents say it would fetch more than £2million."
..........................- Daily Mail, Last updated at 08:55am on 24th May 2007

"DON'T LOOK A GIFT HORSE IN THE MOUTH"

Factual Basis
A horse's teeth begin to project further forward each year as they age. This makes it possible to estimate a horse's age by checking to see how prominent the teeth are.

Meaning
The advice given in the 'don't look...' proverb is: when given a present, be grateful for your good fortune and don't look for more by examining it to assess its value.

Origin
Unlike most proverbs , we have some clues as to the origin of this particular one . The phrase was originally "don't look a given horse in the mouth" and first appears in print in 1546 in John Heywood's "A dialogue conteinyng the nomber in effect of all the prouerbes in the Englishe tongue", where he quotes it as: "No man ought to looke a geuen hors in the mouth."

Squatter's Rights - Don't Look, Don't Tell

"Mr Hallowes is free to sell the land, but without planning permission to build housing it is unlikely that it would attract much attention..."

..."If I write a will I will leave the land to the Royal Family. They are the last bastion of refinement and sophistication so they'd know what to do with it."
- Daily Mail, Last updated at 08:55am on 24th May 2007

I wonder if the Royal Family will look this gift-horse in the mouth ? The ability of governments to receive free gifts never ceases to amaze me.- 2q(Jim)

Impossible is Possible - Possibly?

"When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong." -Arthur C. Clarke

"The only way of discovering the limits of the possible is to venture a little way past them into the impossible." - Arthur C. Clarke

The Possible Impossible Dream

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?"
"Well ... not exactly", his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well ... not exactly ... I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

LOVE THOSE LAWYERS 5-17-08

"Laws are like spiders' webs: if some light or powerless thing falls into them, it is caught, but a bigger one can break through and get away." - SOLON, quoted by Diogenes Laertius in Lives of the Philosophers

LAWYER INVADES SPACE!

"A student at the University of Mississippi will leap into the final frontier of the legal system Saturday when he receives the first-ever space law certificate in the United States.
Michael Dodge of Long Beach, Miss., earned the special distinction... through the National Center for Remote Sensing, Air and Space Law at the university's law school.
Any future space lawyer might have to deal with issues ranging from the fallout over satellite shoot-downs to legal disputes between astronauts onboard the International Space Station…"
Space.com, May 8, 2008

The step from international cooperation to interplanetary cooperation is not very far away. Maybe it is about time that mankind learned interpersonal cooperation. - 2q(Jim)

"If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator ---- It would be a good idea to just leave them there." - Common Wisdom

WHAT GOES 'ROUND, COMES 'ROUND

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued…AND WON!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated, nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obliged to pay the claim.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART… After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine. - submitted by Brenda Reiner, Peoria, AZ

Does anyone know if Billy Clinton ever practiced law in North Carolina? - 2q(Jim)

FORTUNES LOST

A wealthy lawyer came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style. If you'll just learn to cook, he said, "we can fire the chef."

Okay, she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."

PROFESSIONALS' LOGIC TEST, etc

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she should have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

Who was "Phobe Anne Moses of Tiffin, Ohio, a young woman with a penchant for guns and an excellent sense of distance? Bill [Cody] called her Annie, the press called her Miss Oakley."
Devil in the White City, p 207

"Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so." - Bertrand Russell

PROFESSIONALS' LOGIC TEST

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a "Professional". The answers appear below.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?

ANSWERS
1. The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator. WRONG answer. Correct answer - Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This question tests your ability to think through previous actions.
3. Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true ability.
4. Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

AND IN THE 90%...

Kevorkian, who was nicknamed "Dr. Death," said that if he was elected, his priority would be promoting the 9th Amendment, which protects rights not explicitly specified elsewhere in the Constitution. Kevorkian said he interprets it as protecting a person's choice to die through assisted suicide or to avoid wearing a seat belt. - Associated Press March 25, 2008

"There are grammatical errors even in his silence." - Stanislaw J. Lec

LEARNING FROM SAME TROUGH

"It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native criminal class except Congress." - Mark Twain

Would you spend $1 billion per year OF MY MONEY to learn to read?

Would you spend $1 billion per year OF MY MONEY to learn to read if your brother got the money?

President Bush’s $1 billion a year initiative to teach reading to low-income children has not helped improve their reading comprehension, according to a Department of Education report released on Thursday.
The program, known as Reading First… Congress included it in the federal No Child Left Behind legislation that passed by bipartisan majorities in 2001.
Senator Edward M. Kennedy, the Massachusetts Democrat who is chairman of the education committee, and who has long criticized the program, said, “The Bush administration has put cronyism first and the reading skills of our children last, and this report shows the disturbing consequences.”
In 2006, John Higgins, the department’s inspector general, reported that federal officials and private contractors with ties to publishers had advised educators in several states to buy reading materials for the Reading First program from those publishers. New York Times, Sam Dillon, May 2, 2008

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/02/education/02reading.html?em&ex=1209960000&en=00fe28c576f100c9&ei=5087%0A

JUST A REMINDER...

Today's lawyers and politicians learned their trades years ago. From the textbooks of their day. Republicans and Democrats, lawyers to the core, absorbed their Three "Rs" based on the same set of premises. Do you really think that electing either will produce any "change"?

Future lawyers and politicians are learning their trades today. We're paying $1 billion a year for this. Do you really expect any change?

Some professions never change...



"Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job." - Douglas Adams

ONE BUMPER'S OPINION

My kid is an honor student
& my President is an idiot

LOVE THOSE LAWYERS MAY 13, 2008

Obnoxious? Know-it-all? Normal?
At a trial, an attorney was putting witnesses through an exacting cross-examination, and was taking great delight in forcing witnesses to admit that they did not remember every single detail of an automobile accident. Knowing that no witness has a perfect memory, this lawyer had honed a skill in exploiting minor inconsistencies and lapses of memory in order to challenge the credibility of honest witnesses. After demonstrating this skill upon a series of witness-victims, he was looking forward to intimidating yet another witness.
"Did you actually see the accident?" he asked.
The witness responded with a polite, "Yes, sir."
"How far away were you when the accident happened?"
"I was Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarters inches away from the point of collision."
"Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarter inches? the lawyer asked, sarcastically, "Do you expect us to believe that your memory is so good, and your sense of distance is so precise, that months after the accident you can come into court and give that type of detail?"
The witness was unphased. "Sir, I had a hunch that some obnoxious, know-it-all lawyer would ask me the distance, and would try to make it seem like I was lying if I could not give an exact answer. So I got a tape measure, and measured out the exact distance."


Lawyer? Poverty?
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.

"Only a shilling? said the Justice, Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."

"The trouble with the legal profession is that 98% of its members give the rest a bad name."
- Common Wisdom

"A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer."
- Robert Lee Frost

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

A lawyer's opinion is worth nothing unless paid for. - English Proverb

Q: Why does the American Bar Association prohibit sex between attorneys and their clients?
A: To prevent the client for being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

Go to law for a sheep and lose your cow. - German Proverb

The Regular Kind
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day:
My name is Billy. What's yours? asked the first boy.
Tommy, replied the second.
My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do? asked Billy.
Tommy replied, My Daddy's a lawyer.
Honest? asked Billy.
No, just the regular kind, replied Tommy.

Grass Roots Philosophy May 13, 2008

The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was no one on the other line.
Once she said "God Bless you" I said, "I didn't sneeze"
She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You will, eventually."
And damn it if she wasn't right. Two days later I sneezed. - Ellen DeGeneres

• "I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it."
  - Thomas Jefferson


• ''Finality is death. Perfection is finality. Nothing is perfect. There are lumps in it,'' said the Irish Philosopher, James Stephens


• "Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water." - WC Fields


• "Don't try to solve serious matters in the middle of the night." - Philip K. Dick


• "A true friend is the greatest of all blessings, and that which we take the least care of all to acquire." - Lee Iacocca

Congress - please, please get the philosopher's stone

"If you know how to spend less than you get, you have the philosopher's stone."
- Benjamin Franklin


A word to those who buy Politicians on Price alone…


"There is scarcely anything in the world that some man cannot make a little worse, and sell a little more cheaply. The person who buys on price alone is this man's lawful prey."
- John Ruskin

LOVE THOSE LAWYERS MAY 11, 2008

A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they'll have something to spend over there."

They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.



'The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers."
-William Shakespeare, Henry VI (Act IV, Scene II).


"The more laws, the more offenders." - Thomas Fuller


". . . the majestic equality of the law, which forbids the rich as well as the poor to sleep under bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread." - ANATOLE FRANCE, The Red Lily


"Laws are like spiders' webs: if some light or powerless thing falls into them, it is caught, but a bigger one can break through and get away." - SOLON, quoted by Diogenes Laertius in Lives of the Philosophers


Q: "What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.

CHINA TO FARM US CASH COW?

Unraveling the Mystery of Government

Where Does all That Cash Go To?

Only a few billion dollars...

MAY 8, 2008

"Chinese companies will be encouraged to buy farmland abroad, particularly in Africa and South America, to help guarantee food security...

A proposal drafted by the Ministry of Agriculture would make supporting offshore land acquisition by domestic agricultural companies a central government policy. Beijing already has similar policies to boost offshore investment by state-owned banks, manufacturers and oil companies, but offshore agricultural investment has so far been limited to a few small projects.

The move comes as oil-rich but food-poor countries in the Middle East and north Africa explore similar options. Libya is talking with Ukraine about growing wheat in the former Soviet republic, while Saudi Arabia has said it would invest in agricultural and livestock projects abroad to ensure food security..." - By Jamil Anderlini, FT.com
Published: May 8 2008 19:26 Last updated: May 8 2008 19:26

APRIL 14, 2008

April 14 (Bloomberg) -- "The U.S. government paid farmers $13.4 billion in subsidies in 2006, even as commodity prices began their current boom, according to a group that wants Congress to reduce crop-support payments." - Bloomberg News, By Alan Bjerga

FLASHBACK - MAY 24, 2004

"Because farmers are relatively wealthy, alleviating farm poverty would not be very expensive. Just $4 billion per year would guarantee every full-time farmer in America a minimum income of 185 percent of the federal poverty level ($34,873 for a family of four in 2004). However, farm subsidies are more corporate welfare than poverty relief, so Washington instead spends $12 billion to $30 billion annually subsidizing large farms and agribusinesses that are much wealthier than the taxpayers footing the bill."

"Eligibility for farm subsidies is determined by crop, not by income or poverty standards. Growers of corn, wheat, cotton, soybeans, and rice receive more than 90 percent of all farm subsidies: Growers of nearly all of the 400 other domestic crops are completely shut out of farm subsidy programs. Further skewing these awards, the amounts of subsidies increase as a farmer plants more crops. Thus, large farms and agribusinesses--which not only have the most land, but also are the nation's most profitable farms... receive the largest subsidies. Meanwhile, family farmers with few acres receive little or nothing in subsidies..."

Another Year at the Federal Trough: Farm Subsidies for the Rich, Famous, and Elected Jumped Again in 2002 - by Brian M. Riedl, The Heritage foundation, Backgrounder #1763

Question: If Chinese citizens purchase American farmland, will they receive the same cash subsidies the American taxpayers give to the present owners?

Another question: I remember reading somewhere that Queen Elizabeth still owned large tracts of former plantation land in Dixie. Does anyone have any information on this? Does she receive a Farm Subsidy? - 2q(Jim)

Grass Roots Philosophy - 5-11-08

THE RULES ARE THE RULES

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.

"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"

His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night ... whether you're here or not."

• "No wise man ever wished to be younger." - Jonathan Swift
• "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."
  Arthur C. Clarke (1917-2008)
• "Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship." -Lee Iacocca
• "Against logic there is no armor like ignorance." - Laurence J. Peter
• "The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill." - Peter Ustinov

Great Turning Points In history

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the Old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.' He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot, so the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the R ! We missed the R ! We missed the R !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, Father?'

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, 'The word was... C E L E B R A T E !"

LOVE THOSE LAWYERS - MAY 9, 2008

A man went to his lawyer and said, "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."

The lawyer said, "No problem, leave it all to me."

The man looked somewhat upset and said, "Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I would like to leave a little to my children too!"

• "We all know here that the law is the most powerful of schools for the imagination. No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth." - Jean Giraudoux


• "Lawyers are operators of the toll bridge across which anyone in search of justice has to pass." - Jane Bryant Quinn


• "By all reasonable measures, the American tort system is a disaster. It resembles a wealth-redistribution lottery more than an efficient system designed to compensate those injured by the wrongful actions of others." - David E. Bernstein

A lawyer opened his own office right after successfully passing the bar exam. Sitting idly at his desk, his secretary announced that a Mr. Baker was there to see him. He told his secretary to show him right in.

Thinking that it was a new client he wanted to make a good impression. As Mr. Baker was entering his office, the lawyer picked up the phone and yelled into it…"Absolutely not! You tell them I will not settle this case for less than five hundred thousand dollars. Don't bother me again until that amount has been agreed to!"

Slamming the phone down, he greeted Mr. Baker saying, "How do you do Mr. Baker. What can I do to help you?"

Mr. Baker replied, "Hi, I'm from the phone company. I'm here to connect your phone."

GRASS ROOTS PHILOSOPHY

GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE

Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce? the solicitor questioned his client. Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge? Oh, no, replied Mrs. O'Connor.

Sure now, we only have a carport. The solicitor tried again. Well, does the man beat you up? No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. I'm always first out of bed.

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices? Sure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial.

Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have. "Bless you, sir. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds.

Mrs. O'Connor, the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?

Ah, well now, said the lady, Sure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation.

• "It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge." - Enrico Fermi


• "The greatest of faults, I should say, is to be conscious of none." - Thomas Carlyle


• "He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas of any man I ever met." Abraham Lincoln


• "Genius is one per cent inspiration and ninety-nine per cent perspiration."Thomas A. Edison


• "Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them." - Bill Vaughan

AGING GRACEFULLY

I've sure gotten old. I've had two By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But.....Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!

Bet ya voted in the last presidential election, didn't ya?

LAWYER NEEDS A JUDGE

No Justice Without a Judge

An attorney passed away and found herself in Heaven. Without any friends to talk to, she was understandingly unhappy. She immediately complained to St. Peter, who told her that her only recourse was to appeal her assignment. The attorney advised St. Peter that she intended to appeal before all the words were out of the saint's mouth. The attorney was informed that it would be at least three years before her appeal could be heard. The attorney protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable. However, her words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by Satan, who told her that he would be able to arrange her appeal to be heard in just a few days, but only if the attorney stipulated to change the venue to Hell. When the attorney inquired as to why appeals could be heard so much faster in Hell, Satan gleefully exclaimed,

"Who do you think has all of the judges!"
- submitted by Anne M., Sun City West, AZ

CHOSEN WITHOUT PREJUDICE

Why do behavioral scientists prefer lawyers to rats for their experiments?
1) there are more of the lawyers to work with,
2) lawyers are more expendable,
3) lawyers do more harm to society than rats,
4) lab assistants are less likely
to develop a bond or feel sympathy for them,
5) rats arouse more feelings of compassion and humanity,
6) they multiply faster,
7) rats have an inate right to life and liberty,
8) animal rights groups will not object to their torture,
9) rats have more dignity, and
10) there are some things even a rat won't do.

What is the only disadvantage to using lawyers instead of rats in laboratory experiments?

It's harder to extrapolate the test results to human beings.

SAVE THE PLANET

"Against stupidity the gods themselves contend in vain." - Friedrich von Schiller

Government is a Growth Industry

The number of lawyers employed by the Federal government has grown rapidly over the years and appears to be continuing to increase. Between 1954 and 1970, the number of self-employed lawyers in the U.S. increased by 19% while the number of lawyers in the Federal government increased by 108% and the number employed by state government increased by 167%. - Richard L. Abel

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: Take your foot off his head.

"I think we may class the lawyer in the natural history of monsters." - John Keats

"I would be loath to speak ill of any person who I do not know deserves it, but I am afraid he is an attorney." - Samuel Johnson

Time is money, especially when you are talking to a lawyer or buying a commercial. - Frank Dane

The Accomplice

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road.

(at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!)

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over to the side.

He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

Saving Planet Earth - By the Numbers OR The Lawyers Old Age Insurance Act

The Council passed the electronic recycling bill this week by a veto-proof count of 47-3. Among other things, the bill... makes manufacturers responsible for recycling products they sell to consumers. The law would be phased in over 10 years, eventually requiring manufacturers to collect annually enough discarded electronic equipment to equal 65 percent of the average weight of the goods they sold in the city during the previous three years or be fined $50,000 for each percentage point they fall below those standards.
- Ray Rivera, NY Times, February 15, 2008

"Phased in over ten years", "equal 65 percent", "average weight", "previous three years" ? This law has more indefinite numbers than a lawyer's fee. As well intentioned as it may be, this law will keep New York Lawyers well-fed for multiple lifetimes. If it was me, I would forget all this "collecting" nonsense and buy enough "scrap" electronics from China to cover my ass (Er... rrrrrr, back-end) - 2q(Jim)

How to Photograph A New Puppy

-- Remove film from box and load camera
-- Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
-- Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle
-- Choose a suitable background for photo
-- Mount camera on tripod and focus
-- Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth
-- Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera
-- Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees
-- Focus with one hand and fend-off puppy with other hand
-- Get tissue and clean nose print from lens
-- Take flash attachment from puppy's mouth
-- Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose
-- Put magazines back on coffee table
-- Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head
-- Replace your glasses and check camera for damage
-- Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
-- Call spouse to clean up mess
-- Fix a drink
-- Consider buying "older, trained" dog

"God gives every bird its food, but He does not throw it into its nest," - J. G. Holland

Have you heard the rumour that the Grand Canyon was started by a Scotsman who lost a coin in a ditch?

You'd probably get a better score if you bowled during an earthquake.

"The noisiest drum has nothing in it but air." - English Proverb

"Politics is the art of preventing people from taking part in affairs which properly concern them."- Paul Valery

"Sure I'm for helping the elderly. I'm going to be old myself some day." - Lillian Carter

SUPER GRANNY, DEFENDER OF JUSTICE

"Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore" - Ogden Nash

Speaking of O.J. Simpson…

"As it developed, Mr. Saunders Welch, Magistrate of the Hanover Street Court… was engaged in counting money, his collection in fines levied that day.
It was said that near any offense but murder could be settled by means of a fine in the Hanover Street Court; and there were rumors that even an occassional homocide might be forgiven as accidental death with the offer of a fine large enough to suit Mr Welch."
- Bruce Alexander, Watery Grave, p. 251 [the setting is England in the late 1700s]

"When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators." - PJ O'Rourke

Super Granny, Defender of Justice

"An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of that car, you scumbags!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of her car and get into the vehicle.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.

A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sargeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car-jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

"I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean." - G. K. Chesterton (1874 - 1936)

PREDATORY LENDING?

"It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea."
- Robert Anton Wilson

HAUNTED BY HIS PAST?

A young man with a wild and multi-coloured hairstyle sits next to an old man on a park bench. The old man stares at the young man.

"What's the matter, old man?" says the young man. "Never done anything crazy in your life?"

The old man replies: "Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son."

HE GOT WHAT HE ASKED FOR...

A local newspaper mistakenly printed an obituary for the town's oldest practicing lawyer. The lawyer called them immediately and threatened to sue unless they printed a retraction.

The next day, the following notice appeared: "We regret that the report of Attorney Smith's death was in error."

"Anybody who thinks talk is cheap should get some legal advice." - Franklin P. Jones

"When two dogs fight for a bone, and the third runs off with it, there's a lawyer among the dogs." - German Proverb

"A man without money needs no more fear a crowd of lawyers than a crowd of pickpockets." - R. Rinkle

"There is a general prejudice to the effect that lawyers are more honourable then politicians but less honourable than prostitutes. That is an exaggeration." - Alexander King

HEY, IT'S ONLY YOUR $30 BILLION

October 23, 2007 "Bear Stearns and China's government-controlled Citic Securities agreed to invest $1 billion in each other and combine some operations in Asia, giving the U.S. brokerage a beachhead in China, officials said yesterday." - THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

March 6, 2008 "In November, Citigroup sold a 4.9 percent stake to the Abu Dhabi Investment Authority, matching a stake held by Saudi Prince Walid bin Talal. A round of investments in January was led by a $6.8 billion stake sold to the Government of Singapore Investment Corporation and the Kuwait Investment Authority's smaller stake.

A number of foreign funds took part in Merrill Lynch's $6.6 billion selloff in January, including the Korean Investment Corporation, the Kuwait Investment Authority, Japan's Mizuho Financial Group and the Olayan Group, a private Saudi company.

Recovering from poor investments in subprime mortgage loans, Wall Street bank Morgan Stanley accepted a $5 billion investment from the state-run China Investment Corp. in December, representing slightly less than a 10 percent stake.

Bear Stearns swapped $1 billion investments with China's government-run Citic Securities Co., Asia's largest securities firm, in October. The investment gives Citic about a 6 percent share of the U.S. brokerage.

Shortly before its much-hyped public debut on the New York Stock Exchange last June, private equity house The Blackstone Group sold a $3 billion share of itself to China Investment Corp. Source: The New York Times, CNN/Money, Bloomberg

March 17, 2008 "The US central bank’s latest attempt to inject money and confidence into the financial system is its third in ten days… The Federal Reserve has reduced the rate at which banks can borrow directly from it, trebled the length of time they can borrow and allowed 20 securities firms direct access to the same facilities... It is also putting $30bn of US taxpayers’ money at risk by providing a lending facility to help JP Morgan acquire Bear Stearns at a knockdown price.
That $30bn is secured against assets of questionable value...the loss will be taken by taxpayers, not by JP Morgan." - Robert Peston, BBC News

AH-SO! The price of confidence is going up! From my position among the great unwashed, it appears that the Fed, willingly or unwillingly, stepped in to protect China's financial interests. Bear Stearns shareholders take the hit, JP Morgan takes the blame, and the US Government keeps on rollin' rollin' rollin'. A sweet deal for someone. I can't see where this $30 billion helps anyone in my neighborhood; Is anyone in yours saying "Thank You, Fed? - 2q(Jim)

FASCINATING FACTS

Safety Razors

The first safety razor, a razor where the skin is protected from all but the very edge of the blade, was invented in the late 18th Century by a Frenchman, Jean-Jacques Perret, who was inspired by the joiner's plane. Marketed as "the best available shaving method on the market that won’t cut a user, like straight steel razors." The first American safety razor was marketed in 1875 by the Kampfe Brothers. In 1901, the American inventor King Camp Gillette, with the assistance of William Nickerson, invented a safety razor with disposable blades. Gillette realized that a profit could be made by selling a razor with inexpensive disposable blades. This has been called the Razor and blades business model, or a "loss leader", and has become a very common practice for a wide variety of products. There are also safety razors that are made of inexpensive materials that are meant to be wholly disposable"

Proposed Law Looks to Wipe Out Problem
TALLAHASSEE (CBS4.com) "A proposed law currently making its way through the Florida legislature might help you with what can be an embarrassing problem. Here's the bottom line, the bill would be a mandate that all eating establishment must have enough toilet paper when you go into the restroom.

The only problem is the bill doesn't dictate how much toilet paper is "enough."

State Senator Victor Crist, a Republican from Tampa, felt the problem was so important, a law must be passed to protect the backsides of anyone in Florida. The measure will also try to regulate the cleanliness of restrooms in eating establishments.

“One of the true tests of leadership is the ability to recognize a problem before it becomes an emergency.” - Arnold Glasow

• “Leaders aren’t born, they are made. And they are made just like anything else, through hard work. And that’s the price we’ll have to pay to achieve that goal, or any goal.”
  - Vince Lombardi


• "Half of the modern drugs could well be thrown out of the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Dr. Martin Henry Fischer


• "Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable." - John Kenneth Galbraith
• A person who trusts no one can't be trusted.
  - Jerome Blattner

THE SOMETHING-OR-ANOTHER TAX

"Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them." - Lily Tomlin

Lawyer on Vacation

A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road.
Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision. He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn't get near the car.

Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."

The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

• "Imagine the appeals and dissents if lawyers had written the ten Commandments." - Harry Bender


• "The only way you can beat the lawyers is to die with nothing." - Will Rogers


• "Lawyers should never marry other lawyers. This is called "inbreeding," from which comes idiot children and more lawyers." - Kip Lurie: Adam's Rib (1949)
  
• "Judge - A law student who marks his own examination papers."
  - H.L. Hencken
  

Convincing Some People - with a 60 cent a pack hammer
April 26, 2002

"Phoenix - The head of the Senate Health Committee is launching her own ballot measure today to double the state's tobacco tax - putting her at odds with an initiative drive by state health groups.
Sen Sue Gerard, R-Phoenix, says she supports the goal… to boost the levy by 60 cents a pack, to $1.18 a pack. She said that achieves a key goal of convincing some people that smoking is too expensive a habit to maintain.
Gerard said, though, the initiative sponsors are wrong to funnel the $140 million that will be raised solely into research and prevention of the four leading causes of death by disease.
She said the state can't even afford to pay for the programs that are supposed to be funded by the current 58 cent a pack levy… Gerard wants most of the money to go toward funding Proposition 204, approved by voters two years ago…" - Daily News-Sun, Friday, April 26, 2002

If I interpret this correctly, Arizona politicians lied to the public.

In 2000, they assured us that they could do something-or-another if only voters would approve a 58-cent a pack tax on cigarettes. In 2002, the politicians wanted to (and did) raise the tax to $1.18 a pack because they couldn't do the something-or-another they said they could do for 58 cents a pack, but for a mere 60 cents a pack more, they have this spiffy new something-or-another to spend our money on.

Something-or-another just doesn't sound right to me, but I'm sure that when it is time to pay for it, Arizona politicians will invent another new tax to pay for the occasion. - 2q(Jim)

Update 2008 - For the record, Arizona's cigarette tax is now $2.00 per pack! I don't know which new something-or-another we are working on now. - 2q(Jim)

It 'Taint Your Fault
WASHINGTON - Scientists have pinpointed genetic variations that make people more likely to get hooked on cigarettes and more prone to develop lung cancer — a finding that could someday lead to screening tests and customized treatments for smokers trying to kick the habit.

The discovery by three separate teams of scientists makes the strongest case so far for the biological underpinnings of nicotine addiction and sheds more light on how genetics and lifestyle habits join forces to cause cancer.

- SETH Borenstein, AP Science Writer - Wed Apr 2, 2:48 PM PDT

Gee, does that mean that all these cigarette taxes boil down to genetic discrimination? Seems to me I read somewhere that Congress recently passed a law against discriminating on the basis of genetic makeup! Will smokers be entitled to a tax refund for taxes improperly collected? - 2q(Jim)

Economic Redistribution

"Automobiles are a mixed blessing. On the one hand, they provide us with lots of
benefits that were undreamed-of in the 'horse-and-buggy' days. For example, any
time we get hungry, we can simply hop into the car, pull up to the drive-through
window of a fast food restaurant, purchase a tasty hot meal, spill our coffee on
our thighs, and sue a major corporation for millions of dollars." - Dave Barry via Lynn, El Mirage, AZ

• I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
  - Henny Youngman


• Politics is the art of preventing people from taking part in affairs which properly concern them. - Paul Valery


• Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone Else's can shorten it. - Cullen Hightower


• You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there. - George Burns
  
• "The minute you read something and you can't understand it,
  you can be sure it was written by a lawyer. Then, if you give it to another lawyer to read and he don't know just what it means, then you can be sure it was drawn up by a lawyer. If its in a few words and is plain, and understandable only one way, it was written by a non-lawyer." - Will Rogers

Jumpin' to Conclusions

How did Chicago get the name the "Windy City"? I'll bet you thought the name had something to do with weather, didn't you? Wrong!

• New York editor Charles Anderson Dana nicknamed Chicago "the Windy City" " given how heartily its leading men had boasted that Chicago would prevail [in securing the World's Colombian Exposition of 1893] - Devil in the White City, p 14