At a trial, an attorney was putting witnesses through an exacting cross-examination, and was taking great delight in forcing witnesses to admit that they did not remember every single detail of an automobile accident. Knowing that no witness has a perfect memory, this lawyer had honed a skill in exploiting minor inconsistencies and lapses of memory in order to challenge the credibility of honest witnesses. After demonstrating this skill upon a series of witness-victims, he was looking forward to intimidating yet another witness.
"Did you actually see the accident?" he asked.
The witness responded with a polite, "Yes, sir."
"How far away were you when the accident happened?"
"I was Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarters inches away from the point of collision."
"Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarter inches? the lawyer asked, sarcastically, "Do you expect us to believe that your memory is so good, and your sense of distance is so precise, that months after the accident you can come into court and give that type of detail?"
The witness was unphased. "Sir, I had a hunch that some obnoxious, know-it-all lawyer would ask me the distance, and would try to make it seem like I was lying if I could not give an exact answer. So I got a tape measure, and measured out the exact distance."
Lawyer? Poverty?
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.
"Only a shilling? said the Justice, Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."
"The trouble with the legal profession is that 98% of its members give the rest a bad name."
- Common Wisdom
"A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer."
- Robert Lee Frost
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
A lawyer's opinion is worth nothing unless paid for. - English Proverb
Q: Why does the American Bar Association prohibit sex between attorneys and their clients?
A: To prevent the client for being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.
Go to law for a sheep and lose your cow. - German Proverb
The Regular Kind
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day:
My name is Billy. What's yours? asked the first boy.
Tommy, replied the second.
My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do? asked Billy.
Tommy replied, My Daddy's a lawyer.
Honest? asked Billy.
No, just the regular kind, replied Tommy.
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