WITH THE STROKE OF A PEN

"My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes." - Reagan, Ronald in a radio broadcast test

NUCLEAR-FREE CHINO
The legislation was signed. In Chino, California, detonating a nuclear device of any kind, within the city limits, will get you a $500 fine.

For the record, there has not been a single nuclear explosion in Chino since this legislation was passed. - 2q(Jim)

FELLOW REPRESENTATIVES - IT IS JUST SO LITTLE!
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis defending himself against the charge that he would personally profit from a bill he had introduced: "I'd just make a little bit of money, I wouldn't make a whole lot."

A JUST REWARD?
A lawyer died and found himself at the pearly gates. He was admitted to heaven. He saw saints, martyrs, philanthropists, and great good people with their harps and wings all being treated very well. To his surprise, he was given a golden harp, special treatment, and a throne near God. He was treated much better than anyone else. He asked, "Are all lawyers treated like this?" He was answered, We don't know. You're the first lawyer that's ever been here!

NO SCRABBLE AT SCRAMBLE
Ever wonder why neither the Republicans nor the Democrats ever held their national convention in Atwoodville, Connecticut?

I suspect that it has something to do with the fact that a local ordinance prohibits people from playing Scrabble while waiting for a politician to speak.

BATHING RIGHTS AND WRONGS
The City of Barre, VT, dicataes that all residents shall bathe every Saturday night.

Arizona law forbids donkeys from sleeping in bathtubs.

The State of Massachusettes deems it illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath.

The State of Arkansas, presumably after much deliberation, determined that alligators may not be kept in bathtubs.

Do you find these laws to be funny? Just remember that each one carries a punishment. If enforced, someone can be jailed or fined. And politicians are not known to be above "dirty tricks", are they? - 2q(Jim)

BOOBS FOR THE BLIND
Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even one single drop of paint on their habits. After discussing it, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"

Would "Over there" be appropriate? - 2q(Jim)

If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter in the State of Florida, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.

A QUESTION OF BALANCE

Does the fact that a donkey can balance the scales against an elephant indicate that the elephant is probably filled with hot air?

BALANCED SCALES
One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $50.00 to spend the night with that woman."

Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.

The following morning, the man presented her with $25.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating: "If you don't give me the other $25.00, I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying: "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."

The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said: "She can't possibly get a judgement against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $50.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $25.00, one-half the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgement be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore, was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it.

Your honor, he said, "My client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgement not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer answered thusly: "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones,pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgement be granted."

And it was. She won the case...

Keeping in mind that almost all politicians and judges are lawyers, isn't it amazing what can be accomplished with a mere stroke of a pen? - 2q(Jim)

LAND OF THE FREE - rev 2008

"Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?"

JUDGE, CHECK HIS RECORD
In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the center of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither is hurt. It is impossible to assess blame for the accident on either however. They both get out. One is a doctor and the other is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his cell phone; they'll be there in 20 minutes. It's cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.

Aren't you also going to have a drink? the doctor says.

After the police get here. replies the lawyer.

And just what will this poor doctor's record show after this conviction? - 2q(Jim)

LAND OF THE FREE, Rev. 2008
The federal government has been using its system of border checkpoints to greatly expand a database... by collecting information on all U.S. citizens crossing by land, compiling data that will be stored for 15 years and may be used in criminal and intelligence investigations.

Officials say the Border Crossing Information system... is part of a broader effort to guard against terrorist threats. It also reflects the growing number of government systems containing personal information on Americans that can be shared for a broad range of law enforcement and intelligence purposes, some of which are exempt from some Privacy Act protections...

The notice states that the government may share border records with federal, state, local, tribal or foreign government agencies in cases where customs believes the information would assist enforcement of civil or criminal laws or regulations, or if the information is relevant to a hiring decision.

That raises concerns, privacy advocates say, that analyses can be undertaken that could implicate innocent people if appropriate safeguards are not used.

washingtonpost.com, "Citizens' U.S. Border Crossings Tracked", Ellen Nakashima, August 20, 2008
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/08/19/AR2008081902811_pf.html

WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL
I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL, Rev. 2008
WASHINGTON — A Justice Department plan would loosen restrictions on the Federal Bureau of Investigation to allow agents to open a national security or criminal investigation against someone without any clear basis for suspicion…

... the new guidelines would allow the F.B.I. to open an investigation of an American, conduct surveillance, pry into private records and take other investigative steps “without any basis for suspicion.” The plan “might permit an innocent American to be subjected to such intrusive surveillance based in part on race, ethnicity, national origin, religion, or on protected First Amendment activities,”...

The New York Times, "New Guidelines Would Give F.B.I. Broader Powers, " ERIC LICHTBLAU, August 21, 2008

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/21/washington/21fbi.html?_r=1&adxnnl=1&oref=slogin&ref=us&pagewanted=print&adxnnlx=1219321192-+WTCoC0xxs2K+zsEqNCj4Q

Actually, the question is "How much do you trust the individuals in government?" Do you really want Joe Blow to have access to your bank accounts, traffic record, medical records, etc.? And do you really think that Jane Blow will forget all she learned about you after she loses the next election?

For those willing to answer "yes" to these questions, security is the prime consideration. They are willing to sacrifice individual liberty for a "feel-good" sense of security.

For those willing to answer "no" to these questions, liberty is the prime consideration. They place a very high value on individual liberty and will, themselves, fight to protect the liberty the United States of America claims to offer.

As a reminder…

The Star Spangled Banner Lyrics
By Francis Scott Key 1814

Oh, say can you see by the dawn's early light
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars thru the perilous fight,
O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
And the rocket's red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

On the shore, dimly seen through the mists of the deep,
Where the foe's haughty host in dread silence reposes,
What is that which the breeze, o'er the towering steep,
As it fitfully blows, half conceals, half discloses?
Now it catches the gleam of the morning's first beam,
In full glory reflected now shines in the stream:
'Tis the star-spangled banner! Oh long may it wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

And where is that band who so vauntingly swore
That the havoc of war and the battle's confusion,
A home and a country should leave us no more!
Their blood has washed out their foul footsteps' pollution.
No refuge could save the hireling and slave
From the terror of flight, or the gloom of the grave:
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

Oh! thus be it ever, when freemen shall stand
Between their loved home and the war's desolation!
Blest with victory and peace, may the heav'n rescued land
Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation.
Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just,
And this be our motto: "In God is our trust."
And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

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ZEROS TAINT NOTHIN'

I received this as an eMail from a friend.

How many zeros in a billion?

The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of it's releases.

1) A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

2) A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

3) A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

4) A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

5) A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending our money.

Washington , D. C
HELLO!
Are all your calculators broken??

I think it only fair to point-out that as our national debt has grown from millions to billions to trillions, our scientific community, primarily funded by government, has responded with faster and faster calculators. We have moved from adding machines to calculators to computers in my lifetime. - 2q(Jim)

INSPIRING LEGAL INSPIRATIONS

"Laws do inhibit some citizens from breaking them, and laws do specify punishments for crimes, but laws do not prevent anybody from doing anything." - Michael Roy Ames

REAL LAWS FOR REAL PEOPLE
1. A Massachusettes ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.

2. Another Massachusettes ordinance bans all Quakers and witches.

3. Vermont once found it necessary to declare it illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole. There is a difference of opinion as to whether this particular law is still in force.

4. A three dollar fine per pack will be imposed on anyone playing cards in Indiana under the Act for the Prevention of Gaming.

5. It's illegal to dance cheek-to-cheek in Compton, California.

6. At the same time, Stockton, California says it's okay to dance cheek-to-cheek but it is against the law to wiggle.

People commonly equate government with taxes. Governments, in fact, siphon google-zillions from the economy via permits and fines. For every law there is cash involved. Whether it is for the privilege of wearing a goatee or the fine for playing cards, governments daily collect more from "hidden" (overlooked) sources than from taxes. - 2q(Jim)

CONSIDER THE EXXON VALDEZ FINE
BACKROUND

Oil spill occurred March 24, 1989

The vessel spilled 10.8 million U.S. gallons of Prudhoe Bay crude oil into the sea.

The oil eventually covered 11,000 square miles of ocean.

In 1994, in the case of Baker vs. Exxon, an Anchorage jury awarded $287 million for actual damages and $5 billion for punitive damages. The punitive damages amount was equal to a single year's profit by Exxon at that time.

Exxon appealed. On December 6, 2002, the judge announced that he had reduced the damages to $4 billion...

Exxon appealed again. Judge Holland increased the punitive damages to $4.5 billion, plus interest.

Exxon appealed again. On December 22, 2006, the damages award was cut to $2.5 billion.

Exxon appealed again. On May 23, 2007, the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals denied ExxonMobil's request for a third hearing and let stand its ruling that Exxon owes $2.5 billion in punitive damages.

Conclussion
Exxon then appealed to the Supreme Court. On June 25, 2008 the Supreme Court vacated the $2.5 billion award and remanded the case back to a lower court, finding that the damages were excessive with respect to maritime common law. The judgment limits punitive damages to the compensatory damages, which for this case were calculated as $507.5 million.

PERPETUAL MOTION
The Prince William Sound oil spill occurred March 24, 1989: the litigation was partially resolved almost 20 years later on June 25, 2008. Of course now the lower court has to set new dollar value on the fines to be assessed against Exxon. The wheels of Justice, oiled by lawyers, continue to challenge the existence of perpetual motion. - 2q(Jim)

FOOTNOTE
Exxon Mobil Corp. reportedly earned $11.68 billion in profits in the second quarter of 2008, the highest quarterly income ever recorded by a U.S. company.

Yes, American governments at all levels siphon google-zillions from the economy via permits and fines day in and day out. Obviously, the dollar value of the fines is negotiable. When's the last time you went to court to defend yourself from a questionable assessment? When's the last time you spent 20 years trying to find Justice? - 2q(Jim)

FUTURE FINES
Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. Should they decide to exercise their right to complain, they shall be fined a prudent amount assessed by a male judge of good character. If a male judge of good character cannot be found, the whole matter shall be argued in the Justice system for at least 20 years.

"Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century." - Dame Edna Everage

CAMERA CASH FOR GOVERNMENT

As Senator Cane said to Senator Able, "There is more than one way to skin a cat."

Newspaper Headline:
Toilet stolen from police station. Cops have nothing to go on.

CANDID CAMERA COLLECTIONS
PHOENIX – Motorists speeding on Arizona highways face the prospect of getting citations generated from photo enforcement cameras…

Arizona Gov. Janet Napolitano says that the program is all about traffic safety and that any new state revenue is a bonus. But some critics contend her approach undercuts her stated goal.

The law authorizing the program mandates $165 citations for violators…

Associated Press via The San Diego Union-Tribune, "Photo radar system to start spotting Arizona speeders in coming months", July 20, 2008
http://www.signonsandiego.com/uniontrib/20080720/news_1n20speedin1.html

QUESTIONS CAMERAS WISH THEY COULD ASK
1. Just how big were those two beers?
2. No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want.
3. Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.
4. So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?

CROOK CATCHIN' CAMERAS
FLINT, Michigan - Willing to spend $30,000 to put your name on a camera?

The City of Flint is looking for sponsors for surveillance cameras that will be mounted around the city to keep a watch out for crooks.

In exchange for cash, the city will plaster business names next to police logos on the pole-mounted camera boxes that sport a blue police light that flashes 24 hours a day.

Don't have $30,000? Depending on the size of the check, smaller logos and even people's names can be placed on the boxes similar to those found on a NASCAR racer...

The Flint Journal, "Flint seeks sponsors for police surveillance cameras; some question whether it's appropriate", Bryn Mickle, July 30, 2008
http://www.mlive.com/flintjournal/index.ssf/2008/07/flint_seeks_sponsors_for_polic.html

Kinda reminds ya of "Big Brother", doesn't it?

CASH FROM CLASSES, NOT CAMERAS
One of my co-workers got a speeding ticket and was attending a defensive-driving course to have points erased from her license. The instructor, a police officer, emphasized that being on time was crucial and that the classroom doors would be locked when each session began.

Just after one class started, someone knocked on the locked door. The officer opened it and asked, "Why are you late?"

The student replied, "I was trying not to get another ticket."

The officer let her in.

Just remember, when government says you are in the 20% tax bracket, they don't include all the little extras you donate to the "Benevolent Order of Politicians, Lawyers, and other Known Miscreants." - 2q(Jim)

QUESTIONS CAMERAS DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER
1. You are under arrest and...
2. No, I don't care who you are.
3. No, I don't care who you know.
4. Yes... you DO pay my salary.
5. Yes... you CAN have my job.
6. No, I don't have anything better to do.
7. Yes, I DO arrest real criminals sometimes.
8. No, I am not picking on you because you are________ (fill in).
9. No, I can't give you a break.
10. No, we can't talk about it.