Government is a Growth Industry
The number of lawyers employed by the Federal government has grown rapidly over the years and appears to be continuing to increase. Between 1954 and 1970, the number of self-employed lawyers in the U.S. increased by 19% while the number of lawyers in the Federal government increased by 108% and the number employed by state government increased by 167%. - Richard L. Abel
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: Take your foot off his head.
"I think we may class the lawyer in the natural history of monsters." - John Keats
"I would be loath to speak ill of any person who I do not know deserves it, but I am afraid he is an attorney." - Samuel Johnson
Time is money, especially when you are talking to a lawyer or buying a commercial. - Frank Dane
The Accomplice
A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road.
(at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!)
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over to the side.
He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
Saving Planet Earth - By the Numbers OR The Lawyers Old Age Insurance Act
The Council passed the electronic recycling bill this week by a veto-proof count of 47-3. Among other things, the bill... makes manufacturers responsible for recycling products they sell to consumers. The law would be phased in over 10 years, eventually requiring manufacturers to collect annually enough discarded electronic equipment to equal 65 percent of the average weight of the goods they sold in the city during the previous three years or be fined $50,000 for each percentage point they fall below those standards.
- Ray Rivera, NY Times, February 15, 2008
"Phased in over ten years", "equal 65 percent", "average weight", "previous three years" ? This law has more indefinite numbers than a lawyer's fee. As well intentioned as it may be, this law will keep New York Lawyers well-fed for multiple lifetimes. If it was me, I would forget all this "collecting" nonsense and buy enough "scrap" electronics from China to cover my ass (Er... rrrrrr, back-end) - 2q(Jim)
How to Photograph A New Puppy
-- Remove film from box and load camera
-- Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
-- Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle
-- Choose a suitable background for photo
-- Mount camera on tripod and focus
-- Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth
-- Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera
-- Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees
-- Focus with one hand and fend-off puppy with other hand
-- Get tissue and clean nose print from lens
-- Take flash attachment from puppy's mouth
-- Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose
-- Put magazines back on coffee table
-- Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head
-- Replace your glasses and check camera for damage
-- Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
-- Call spouse to clean up mess
-- Fix a drink
-- Consider buying "older, trained" dog
"God gives every bird its food, but He does not throw it into its nest," - J. G. Holland
Have you heard the rumour that the Grand Canyon was started by a Scotsman who lost a coin in a ditch?
You'd probably get a better score if you bowled during an earthquake.
"The noisiest drum has nothing in it but air." - English Proverb
"Politics is the art of preventing people from taking part in affairs which properly concern them."- Paul Valery
"Sure I'm for helping the elderly. I'm going to be old myself some day." - Lillian Carter
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