I THOUGHT AS A CHILD

"When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things." - Bible, I Corinthians (ch. XIII, v. 11)

THINGS I LEARNED ALL BY MYSELF

* Nothing will get peanut butter out of the VCR.

* Most ovens are large enough to store train track, a stack of puzzles, and a Barbie Camper.

* Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

* You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

* Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

* Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

* Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.

* Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.

* School lunches stick to the wall.

* You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

* Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

* The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.

* Red Popsicles and yellow Kool-Aid will make an orange stain on a white silk blouse.

* No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

PIPE DREAMS

—Mr. President! Did you hear about Woodstock?

—Woo— Woodstock? What in God’s name is that?

—Apparently, young people hate the war so much they’re willing to participate in a musical sex festival as a protest against it.

—Oh, my God. They must really be serious about this whole thing.

—That’s not all. Some of them are threatening to join communes: places where they make their own clothing . . . and beat on drums.

—Stop the war.

—But, Mr. President!

—Stop all American wars!

—(sighs) Very well, sir. I’ll go tell the generals.

—Wow. It’s a good thing those kids decided to go hear music.

Saved by the bell - and the drums, and the guitars, and the...